I’m unlocking my door because I love immigration

If you’re on social media today, you might have noticed that expressing any interest in fixing the utterly broken immigration policy of the US prompts the emergence of a certain profile. It undoubtedly features a picture of a white middle aged man wearing a ball cap. This profile exclaims that if you don’t like our borders the way they are, you should leave the door to your home unlocked. The obvious inference being that our homes are like countries.

Ok, Mr. Ball Cap, I’ll leave the door to my country unlocked, but only if you live by the other isolationist policies advocated by yourself and your friend, Mr. American Flag with screeching bald eagle.

You may no longer run a trade deficit of any kind. So you need to start figuring out a way to entice the supermarket to buy something made in your home. If for some reason you can’t, you must demand the supermarket raise prices by 20% to discourage yourself from shopping there, even though you may not have the ability to produce food “in house”.

You may no longer offshore jobs. I hope you work from home. Don’t you love your country?

Every person who enters your home must have obtained advanced written permission to enter. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been to your home 100 times and never caused a problem. It doesn’t matter if their grandchild lives there. If anybody fails to do so, you must tackle them and chain them in your basement for a month or so before driving them home.

If your child forgets to obtain permission for a friend, you must build a fence around your house with giant gaps in it. Those gaps represent the 40% or so of illegals that arrive by air. You must then call the child’s parents and demand they pay for the fence. You know the fence won’t stop anyone, but it makes your dumbest child who’s afraid of the dark feel better.

You need to stop importing your energy. Perhaps you can build a turbine over a furnace and burn trees to power your home. If you’re worried about what you’ll do when you run out of trees, shut up hippie. We all know alternative energy isn’t feasible.

During the course of this little tirade you probably realized one of two things. Either your analogy is stupid, or the policies you advocate are. If you’re really bright, you might have realized both are.

That red, white, and blue cloth flying in your country’s front yard was, at one time, supposed to represent freedom. I know today it’s nothing more than a sports team bumper sticker, but I have a novel idea. Why not try exemplify the stated values of the country you claim to love? Come on, let’s give freedom a chance.